Quite Rude
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Phil holds the record for longest cumshot ever at an amazing 39652 feet!
(Note this shows something about him if he waited until after lapping up his own "egg whites" to inflate the dinghy)...
and tried to roll himself on top of it, tried to free himself of the sticky mass...
of the semen-spew collaberation he had been previously drinking. he only suceeded however in...
...annoying the gerbil, still, at least the unicorn didn't mind. So later that day...
the bored beetroot ventured into the forest, to pick a fight with some chipmunks...
but on his way he found the most magnificent clearing of pine cones... they weren't ordinary pine cones!! they were...
...the chipmunks pine cones! He got his 20 gallon petrol drum out off his back pocket and emptied it all out on to the pine cones, then got a match and...
scratched his rear end. Then he lit the match off of his forehead (Derek is a bad-ass beet-root), and...
threw the match at the pine cones!! (shock horror nooooooooo!!!) but realised that he had splattered mud on his bad ass beet pants (that mummy made him) so poor derek ...
...threw himself onto the fire so that he could avoid his mothers terrible punishment. Unfortunately there were no flames, it seems Derek had used flame retardent petrol and...
then he remembered he never solved his flammable-urine issue. So he pulled it out and had a good old leak...
...when he had finished eating vegetables, he started eating regular tables. As it turns out Derek is allergic to wood so...
he decided to start eating babies, which tasted quite...
rubbery, derek realised he hadn't removed the outer packaging before microwaving and so spat the semi chewed baby out. he now had a mission... to find the most flavourful baby packaging that the universe could offer so he hopped into his starship and jetted off to...
...baby land, where they genrate human beings, allbeit small human beings. With packaging. (Batteries sold separately.) Then he...
did a little dance, made a little love, and got down that night...
with a rabid chinchilla who he met at a...
bar in San Francisco, during the...
dance off (where he also tried his hand at rapping)anyway the point is after his love making with said chinchilla derek...
fell into a deep sleep, until being awakened by...
the randy chinchillas of the planet hornyrabittus, which...
...exploded. Fred...
fred?? where the shit did he come from??
anyway fred (who turned up uninvited) fried the exploded bits of derek with some egg and mushroom and ate him on a sarny...
, and then realized he had no idea what a sarny was,
...and then realised that all Americans, without exception, but especially Ben "Omega" Rogers, were dumb...
Charlotte, have you never heard of random?
david.... shut up or else i'll ermmm... think of a suitable way to piss you off
nergh nergh
I eagerly await your suitable-way-to-piss-me-off.
...and then Charlotte killed the thread by not commenting.
The End.
But of course, it's not really the end because...
this would anger the gods, so we now (after an appropriate period of greiving) go to the story of the rabid donkey, Matt, who...
...is one of the aforementioned Gods. So Matt, how do you feel about Derek's death and his subsequent ressurection?
"Well, see, I was bored, so I just felt like messing with the little fellas head. You gotta see some of my pictures of people when I tell them they're gonna be resurrected. Oh, my, the LOOK on Jesus' face was just PRICELESS!"
So oh heavenly body, why does bad crap always happen to the wrong people, also, what religion are you? And do you consider it vain to believe in yourself? Is it blasphemy if you say "I wish I was dead"?
"Well, see, it was our mistake to have women as the weavers of fate. See, all females, even female deities, have periods. So, whenever you hear little Timmy getting macked, you know who's time of the month it was. And, for the record, I'm a mormon, as well as a suicidally depressed immortal. It really sucks."
Oh wise and powerful deity, what does macked mean? Is it one of these idiotic American slang words? One final question, can you smell Paul from all the way up there? If you can then we're very sorry.
Oh, foolish Brit, I shall smite you with all my... smiting... power... thingies. Getting macked has many meanings, one of them being to be hit full on by a Mac truck, or an 18 wheeler. And, no, the holy air freshener protects us from such a fate.
...and then Derek said, "J00 5uck!!!111!!!!!!one!!1!"...
Wow can you say dis-continuous?
Yes. "dis-continuous". And then, the gods ferociously raped Derek for his insult.
And then resurrected the GODDAMN THREAD.
See Jane Run. Run, bitch, run.
And Jabe ran into the tree. And the gnomes came.
the gnomes that own the pots of marmalade?
well if it is those gnomes then they coated Jabe in marmalade and left him in the tree in anticipation of...
...course the "tree of anticipation" was a really bad name for a tree and was later renamed the "anticipation tree". Well...
but since the tree had not been called the tree of anticipation and david had merely misread the post it didn't matter anyway, back to the tale.....
in anticipation of the giant marmalade eating bunny from schnoogle, presently the giant bunny came along to...
...stamp on Charlotte's head for she dares to correct the great one! Unfortunetley the giant bunny was only 1.0000001 times bigger than a normal bunny and...
so didn't bother charlotte one bit so she took it home for tea and biscuits leaving jabe for dead and calling in on dave on the way to throw bunny poo at him
...
...but David (
) raised his "pfft, whatever" shields and the bunny poo was de-atomised instantly. Charlotte then slipped and fell off the...
...mutated guinea pig she had been riding, and proceeded to quite easily layeth the beatdown on Davey-boy, after...
which, she ran away and was never seen again "sob" (but continued to add to the story via telekinetic connections) davey-boy (as he has been so aptly renamed) went for a walk to ...
...MI6 headquaters. On an un-related note Charlotte died painfully and alone after being injected with a top-secret deadly deadly poisen that MI6 just happened to be working on. David (as he has been so aptly rerenamed, never to be rererenamed, ever)...
...went over to the local law office where he got his name legally changed to "Davey-boy Bobberts McDonald", and then...
changed it back again. Ben was then anally raped by Igor the massive and screamed...
..."do it to me again big boy!", for it turns out that Ben is a member of the All-Male Olympic Bum Games team...